I really must stay clean today because I am going to my niece’s wedding and it just won’t do to be other than clean.

This means that I must stay out of the garden.

Even though I think the containers and plants waiting for new homes on the front porch could use a splash of water, I’m afraid to water them.

I know if I get out the watering can, fill it up, carry it to the plants, and then water them, somewhere between filling and emptying the watering can, I might splash water on myself.

Or I might realize too late that the watering can had dirt on the side of it  and that dirt has inexplicably transferred itself to my pants.

I dare not go outside because I might see a weed and reach down to pull it out. Just one weed, how could I get dirty pulling it?  Oh, let me count the ways. I could pull up the weed and in the process bring up a bunch of dirt that then splatters on me.

Or if that doesn’t happen, I might get dirt on my hands when pulling the weed and without thinking, wipe my hands on my pants. Oops,  I’m well on my way to perfecting my “eccentric aunt who gardens” look.

Or I could forget that I pulled the weed and then at some awkward moment at the wedding, look down at my hands and discover that I have fresh dirt under my fingernails.

I could run out to the garden for just a minute and end up ten minutes later with a trowel in my hand for who knows what planting emergency and then see above about hands and pants and add swipes of dirt to my arms.

Or I could see something under a big shrub to tend to like a weed and find myself carefully crouching down to reach it, trying hard not to actually kneel on my knees, but then kneeling anyway and when I get up, besides now having dirty knees, I have little bits of fading flowers and twigs in my hair.

Later, someone at the wedding will point out that I have something in my hair. When I reach up with my now dirty hand to get it out,  I might accidentally side swipe my face with my hand that has dirt on it and end up with a big smudge on my face.

On and on it goes. There are so many scenarios I could list that involve the garden and my difficulty with staying clean.

I really must just sit and wait quietly for the wedding, and then tomorrow, I can return to my usual gardening self. Thank goodness it is also raining, so sitting quietly and staying out of the garden on a Saturday in May is just a little bit easier.

Though, if I use an umbrella, maybe I could sneak out to the vegetable garden to pull a radish or two for lunch and somehow miraculously stay clean?

I really must stay out of the garden…